Things No One Tells You

Things No One Tells You About Being Pregnant:

1) You will enter Target with an actual written list: diapers, deodorant, milk. You will come out with: cookie dough, milk, frozen lunches, fruit, ice cream, trail mix, Gatorade, yogurt, chocolates, and diapers. You will somehow manage to leave the paid-for diapers at the store but come home with everything else.

2) You will suddenly despise everyone who can drink beer, even when you weren't a super big fan before.

3) You'll watch credits of movies to see if there is a name you might like for your baby.

4) Products you never liked before (Tums, Mylanta, Tylenol) will become treasured additions to your daily regiment.

5) Your walk into work will require a stop at the bathroom and a drink of water. You will also consider this exercise even when you used to be an athlete.

6) You will develop an uncanny knack for relating anything and everything back to the pregnancy. "I have a cold because I'm pregnant." "I dropped my plate because I'm pregnant." "I look bad in red clothes because I'm pregnant." "You're only saying that because you're not pregnant like me." My personal favorite - "I can't. I'm pregnant."

7) Meetings at work will get a whole lot more fun because even if you're bored, you can always watch your belly move as the baby kicks. This also makes meetings more fun for your coworkers.

Things No One Tells You About Raising a Toddler:

1) It's REALLY hard to not laugh when they ask random questions about anatomical differences between the sexes (especially when accompanied by pointing).

2) Expanding their vocabulary and learning to count SEEMS great, but then the answer to "what do you want for dinner?" turns into "me want FREE (3) pretzels, LOOOOOTTTTSSSSS of pasta, broccoli and bread and milk with lid." (That is a frozen meal, not something we regularly whip up for him each night.)

3) YouTube and slideshows of your family photos become life savers.

4) You'll actually keep watching the children's shows even when the child himself has grown bored and left the room because you HAVE to find out what happens to Piggley Winks.

5) You will never look at a birds nest, flower blooming, or insects the same again. They are fascinating if you actually stop to look at them (which your toddler will make you do).

6) "Because" becomes a completely acceptable way of ending conversations. Lieing helps too.

7) Going along with #6 - the "why" game really can go on FOREVER.

8) You have never been as sick as you will be when your kid is:
a) in daycare
b) still putting their fingers in their mouth, nose and eyes
and
c) unwilling to be quarantined.

I'm a big fan of lists right now, I guess.