Being Present

I have this problem. My problem is with being present - really present. I spend copious amounts of time in the past. I analyze everything that happens to me and everything that happens to those that I care about. I dwell on things. When I haven't gotten something right I spend energy trying to make it right the next time. That has made me good at some things and awful at others. I would have been a better athlete and a better student if I had just let go and been kinder to myself. (See, I know this because I've analyzed it over and over again.)

And I spend even more time in the future. I plan everything. I plan what kind of car we'll get next, what kind of dog we'll have next, what trips we'll have next, what our plan B and plan C and plan D will be if plan A doesn't pan out. I am a scheduler and a list maker.

Don't get me wrong, I do think about the happy things in the past, and happy things that might happen in the future. But here's where it becomes a problem. I will think about bad things that happened in the past - then apply them to a pretend version of the future. I completely bypass the present. I do this from a place of fear. I tell myself that I'm learning from mistakes and that might be true if I left it there. But I usually don't. Usually I then fear that that same bad thing will happen again. Many of you know this about me but many probably don't - it's called panic disorder. I've had it as long as I can remember.

So I'm making a concerted effort to live more in the present. The present is a lovely place to be, I'm learning. As a good friend recently told me, "we eat, we sleep, we have babies - all the rest is just details." She threw in some expletives too but this is a family show.

Anyway, you're probably wondering why I'm saying all of this on a blog about my family. Well, first, because it's about my family. It affects them when I'm not there mentally - when I'm too scared to do things. And second, because I figured that it's sort of therapeutic to write this all down for others to read. I feel like in some way it'll keep me honest. It will help me actually stay in the moment.

So in that spirit, here is my moment - right now:
Jackson and Ryker are sleeping soundly and are adorable. I'm warm and feeling good about writing this. Chuck's hungry and rummaging in the fridge. And I'm going to join him.