Beth's Wedding

Beth's wedding to Nik was SO great. I completely love Nik - he's fantastic. I love Nik and Beth together. I just love the whole thing. And the past weekend was a huge celebration of their relationship and both of our families. The love was so palpable.

In the lead-up to the wedding, I avoided writing about it for two reasons. First, it wasn't about ME. It was about Beth and Nik. I didn't want anything to distract from that. Second, I thought it might jinx it.

But in reality, for me, the wedding weekend had increased significance. And since this is my blog, and the wedding is over, I get to write about what it meant to me.

Beth asked me almost a year ago to be in her wedding. She called one day and I sat in my backyard as she told me how much I mean to her and how honored she would be if I would be in her wedding - and that the wedding would be in California. I remember sitting there and wanting so much to just be excited. JUST excited. But, as is so often the case with me, there was a companion emotion - anxiety. It's like a parasite - feeding off of my other emotions and keeping me from getting the full enjoyment out of things.

I told Beth that I would love to be in her wedding. It was true. Then I fell into a panic attack.

I decided that I really needed to get help for my panic disorder. I have seen therapists before, but none really helped me get better.

Soon thereafter, I found Dr. Tom. I can't remember if I've written about him on this blog before. Blog readers, meet Dr. Tom. He is fantastic. His whole practice focuses on anxiety and panic disorders. It's all he does. And he's good at it.

So I've seen Dr. Tom every week since the beginning of July 2009. In the first few appointments he made me make a hierarchy. That's a list of everything I normally avoid, with a corresponding ranking from 1 to 100 of how frightening that situation is for me. I tiered it, so I put some things on there that were only 20s or 30s, things that give me a moment of pause, but that I get through ok. Then there were 50s and 60s, things that freaked me out, but that I would be willing to do. The top two things on my list - at 90 and 100 - were standing in front of a group of people where I couldn't leave, and flying a long distance.

I've worked for 11 months now to get up the ladder. I've done countless "exposures," as they are called. I've put myself in situations that terrify me. I've had successes and failures. I've gotten better. My ultimate goal is to not let panic define my life. My shorter-term goal was to do this wedding. The wedding required a flight to California (3.5 hours), multiple group-outings and meals, and walking down the aisle and standing up in the wedding.

For a long time I didn't think I'd be able to do it. I felt like I was lying when I talked confidently to others about it. I felt like this was way above my threshold for tolerance of panic and its physical symptoms. I figured that I would say I would do it, but likely back out at the last minute.

I threw a massive tantrum in the airport waiting to board the plane to LAX. I really wanted to go home. I just didn't see how I could possibly do it.

But I got on that plane. I made it out there, helped my family get there. I did every single thing on the itinerary. I did the things that scared me, and I did them with minimal anxiety. I calmed OTHER people down as we waited to walk down the aisle. I walked, I stood. I loved standing up there for Beth. My legs weren't wobbly. My heart wasn't racing anymore than anyone else's. It was fantastic. Jack was the ring bearer and was ADORABLE coming down the aisle. I partied at the reception. And then I flew home today and was completely fine. Not a lick of panic.

I'm so proud of myself and of my family. I had a blast and was so grateful that I could do that for Beth, and moreover, that she and Christi and the rest of our families were there for me. I will always remember this weekend as a major milestone in my recovery. Oh, and the wedding was sweet. =)