My Neighborhood

I've written about my awesome, awesome neighbors, the Hayes'. I don't think I've written about the rest of the neighbors.

Like the neighbor with the chihuahua that won't shut up. I have never heard that dog bark during the day. Only at 10pm. And the dog doesn't just bark at a normal pace. He barks and then he stops barking and then he lulls you into thinking he's all done being pissy ... andthenhebarksandbarksandbarks ... and then he stops. Have you ever tried to fall asleep while a tiny dog taunts you? Sucks. (Okay, I don't really know if it's a chihuahua but that's what I imagine he is when I think of 101 ways to off him.)

There's a retired fire fighter who has had his house on the market for two years now, and who drinks really heavily, then picks fights about politics with anyone who is still up.

Then there is the man who wears tight jeans and a leather vest and drives a huge diesel truck. That wouldn't be that weird. Here's the weird part - he leaves his house (which everyone in a 20 mile radius can hear because of the ridiculously loud engine) and returns MAYBE three minutes later. What can you drive to, do something at, and drive back from in three minutes? And he does this multiple times every single day.

Oh, and how about the middle-aged couple that throws raucous parties 4 days a week? Have I mentioned them? Our backyards border each other, and shortly after we moved in they threw a party during which they put up a ladder and climbed to the roof. Actually, only the men-folk climbed up. They stood around, leaning on the chimney, and periodically yelled at the women-folk to toss them beers. And the women OBEYED! I don't know which behavior I was more appalled by.

I'll leave it there. It's a strange place sometimes, but I love it.

Helping

We were walking through the Mpls airport on our way home and this woman in front of us reached down and picked up a nickel. She turned around and said that she found a nickel and asked if Jack wanted it. He nodded and said "fank you!" She walked away and he looked up at me, beaming, and said "how did she know I'd want this?!"

He walked through the airport, carefully clutching his new nickel. When he went to the bathroom he made me hold his nickel - apparently none of the 19 pockets in his cargo shorts were good enough for Shiny New Nickel.

By the time we got the bags we were all completely done with traveling. My mom got really bad customer service throughout the airport, Jack had fallen and scraped his knee, Chuck's arms were going to fall off from carrying our 22 bags, Ryker was just pissy in general and I was pondering why there aren't more cases of Shaken Baby on plane rides and in airports.

As we tried to make our way from baggage claim to the taxis, my mom was pulling two bags, Chuck was holding the two biggest bags, and I was pushing Ryker in the stroller loaded with 4 bags while pulling a rolling suitcase. And yes, we packed too much.

I asked Jack to pull the small rolling suitcase. He argued. I told him that he needed to help the family.

"I *AM* helping! I'm carrying THIS!" he said, holding up Shiny New Nickel. I almost threw him across the hallway.

Photos

I uploaded a ton of photos from Beth's wedding to the Flickr site - click on the link to the right.

Beth's Wedding

Beth's wedding to Nik was SO great. I completely love Nik - he's fantastic. I love Nik and Beth together. I just love the whole thing. And the past weekend was a huge celebration of their relationship and both of our families. The love was so palpable.

In the lead-up to the wedding, I avoided writing about it for two reasons. First, it wasn't about ME. It was about Beth and Nik. I didn't want anything to distract from that. Second, I thought it might jinx it.

But in reality, for me, the wedding weekend had increased significance. And since this is my blog, and the wedding is over, I get to write about what it meant to me.

Beth asked me almost a year ago to be in her wedding. She called one day and I sat in my backyard as she told me how much I mean to her and how honored she would be if I would be in her wedding - and that the wedding would be in California. I remember sitting there and wanting so much to just be excited. JUST excited. But, as is so often the case with me, there was a companion emotion - anxiety. It's like a parasite - feeding off of my other emotions and keeping me from getting the full enjoyment out of things.

I told Beth that I would love to be in her wedding. It was true. Then I fell into a panic attack.

I decided that I really needed to get help for my panic disorder. I have seen therapists before, but none really helped me get better.

Soon thereafter, I found Dr. Tom. I can't remember if I've written about him on this blog before. Blog readers, meet Dr. Tom. He is fantastic. His whole practice focuses on anxiety and panic disorders. It's all he does. And he's good at it.

So I've seen Dr. Tom every week since the beginning of July 2009. In the first few appointments he made me make a hierarchy. That's a list of everything I normally avoid, with a corresponding ranking from 1 to 100 of how frightening that situation is for me. I tiered it, so I put some things on there that were only 20s or 30s, things that give me a moment of pause, but that I get through ok. Then there were 50s and 60s, things that freaked me out, but that I would be willing to do. The top two things on my list - at 90 and 100 - were standing in front of a group of people where I couldn't leave, and flying a long distance.

I've worked for 11 months now to get up the ladder. I've done countless "exposures," as they are called. I've put myself in situations that terrify me. I've had successes and failures. I've gotten better. My ultimate goal is to not let panic define my life. My shorter-term goal was to do this wedding. The wedding required a flight to California (3.5 hours), multiple group-outings and meals, and walking down the aisle and standing up in the wedding.

For a long time I didn't think I'd be able to do it. I felt like I was lying when I talked confidently to others about it. I felt like this was way above my threshold for tolerance of panic and its physical symptoms. I figured that I would say I would do it, but likely back out at the last minute.

I threw a massive tantrum in the airport waiting to board the plane to LAX. I really wanted to go home. I just didn't see how I could possibly do it.

But I got on that plane. I made it out there, helped my family get there. I did every single thing on the itinerary. I did the things that scared me, and I did them with minimal anxiety. I calmed OTHER people down as we waited to walk down the aisle. I walked, I stood. I loved standing up there for Beth. My legs weren't wobbly. My heart wasn't racing anymore than anyone else's. It was fantastic. Jack was the ring bearer and was ADORABLE coming down the aisle. I partied at the reception. And then I flew home today and was completely fine. Not a lick of panic.

I'm so proud of myself and of my family. I had a blast and was so grateful that I could do that for Beth, and moreover, that she and Christi and the rest of our families were there for me. I will always remember this weekend as a major milestone in my recovery. Oh, and the wedding was sweet. =)

My Little Helper

Ryker's almost two, and that places him firmly in the Uber-Helper stage. He wants to help with everything.

He wants to carry his own lunch bag into daycare. Some days he carries Jack's too. He looks like a pigeon-toed, beer-bellied, drunk construction worker shuffling onto the job site.

Yesterday he helped me shop at the Mall of America. He picked out his new shoes for Beth's wedding, and Jack's new shoes for the trip. He carried the package of my new Spanx around Bloomingdale's for me. (Those of you that haven't heard of Spanx are either men or teeny tiny women. Those of you that HAVE heard of them should wish me luck breathing.) Finally, he helped me pick out a bra. He helped by sitting in his stroller in the dressing room staring at me in awe as I undressed in pseudo-public, nodding slightly as I tried them on, then laughing hysterically at the pair that was obviously too big. (Note to self: Teach Ryk the dos and don'ts of shopping with women.)

Today he helped me fold the children's laundry. He sat on his tiny chair in front of me, grabbing pieces of clothing out of the basket, shaking them out, then handing them to me and saying who they belonged to. In his estimation almost everything was "Joshun's" although any blankets were his, and the 3T pajama pants apparently were mine.

I'll rent him out to the highest bidder.

Things I Hope They Don't Say At School

I hope Jack doesn't say the things Chuck teaches him. Like that Momma pees her pants when she exercises. I do NOT. Or that the Barking Spiders were the ones that farted.

I also hope that Ryker doesn't call me a baboon to his teachers. He mistakes the word "balloon" for "baboon," and to further complicate things he calls ME a balloon. I don't know what he's talking about, but it ends up coming out as "Momma a baboon."

And please let Jack not pick up on the lyrics he hears in the car. It's bad enough that I've got him saying "Rockin' like it's my job" and "a million plus with binoculars." And someone at school taught him to say "I like to move it, move it."

And in general, I hope they don't pick up on Chuck and my favorite jokes - the perennial one liners "your MOM does ...(repeat whatever the other person just said)" and "that's what she said."

When do parents learn to censor better?

Economic Recovery

Jackson's been asking a lot of questions about our upcoming trip to California for Beth's wedding. Every day I have to give him the countdown. He said last night that he wished it was tomorrow because he wants to see Beth and Nik NOW. So sweet.

Tonight he was asking me about the food on the plane. I said that they would probably give us pretzels. He said that he wasn't sure he liked pretzels anymore, I told him that he would be pretty hungry then, and he said that maybe he WOULD eat them. Then he asked if that was ALL they would give us. Now, keep in mind that I've flown ONCE in the last 3 years. So I said that I wasn't sure, but I didn't think they gave us much. I went on to explain that they used to give full meals but that I didn't think they did that anymore, and of course he asked why. He's a smart little guy, but I didn't really feel like explaining the economic downturn. Instead I just said that in the world right now, people aren't spending as much money to fly, and so the airlines don't have much money to spend on food. I thought that would be confusing enough to quiet him down.

I should have known better. He thought about it for awhile and then said that he wanted to give the money we save up to the airlines.